I Tried ENM Dating — Here's What No One Tells You!

How we think about love and relationships is always changing. Not everyone feels like the old-school idea of one-partner-only fits them anymore. That is where Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) comes in. It’s a way of having relationships where everyone agrees it’s okay to have more than one romantic or sexual partner.

ENM Dating is a term lots of people are searching for because they are curious. This guide will break down ENM in simple terms, give you some friendly advice, and point you to helpful info if you are thinking about ENM dating or already doing it.

Related read: What is Monogamy Relationship?

A modern couple in an open relationship sharing an intimate conversation at a cozy café, symbolizing honest communication in ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is a broad term for when people choose to have romantic, sexual, or close relationships with more than one person, and everyone involved knows about it and agrees. The ethical aspect is what distinguishes ENM from cheating. Here is what it involves:

Everyone Saying Yes (Consent): All the people in the relationships know what’s up and agree to it.
Talking Things Through (Communication): Chatting openly and honestly about what you expect, how you feel, what your rules are, and what you have agreed to is a must.
Being Upfront (Honesty): Telling your partners the truth about your other relationships and what you’re doing, based on what you have all agreed is okay to share.
Treating Each Other Well (Respect): Caring about each partner’s feelings, their freedom to choose, and what they want.

ENM isn’t just a free-for-all. It takes being smart about your feelings, knowing yourself well, and really sticking to these good principles. It makes us rethink the idea that you can only truly love or be committed to one person at a time.

ENM isn’t Cheating – Here’s Why That Matters

It’s vital to understand that ENM is not the same as cheating. Cheating involves deception, breaking trust, and violating the agreements you and your partner have established (usually the assumption of exclusivity).

ENM, on the other hand, is built on clear agreements and everyone’s awareness. This transparent approach is what makes ENM a fulfilling relationship style for many.

Types of Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships

ENM isn’t just one thing; there are many ways to do it. Knowing about these different types can help you figure out what feels right for you if you’re looking into ENM dating.

1. Polyamory (Many Loves)

“Polyamory” comes from words meaning “many” (poly) and “love” (amor). It’s about having more than one loving, close relationship at the same time, and everyone knows and agrees. Think of it like:

Feelings Involved: Polyamorous relationships are often about deep feelings, not just sex.
More Than One Serious Partner: People might have a few serious, long-term partners.
Different Setups:
- Vee: One person is dating two people, but those two people aren’t dating each other.
- Triad/Throuple: Three people are all in a relationship together.
- Quad: Four people are all in a relationship together in some way.
- Solo Polyamory: Someone who is polyamorous and has multiple relationships but likes to live on their own and be independent, not necessarily following the usual steps like moving in or sharing money with partners.

2. Open Relationships

In an open relationship, a couple agrees they can have sexual relationships with other people. Usually, their main relationship is still the most important one for love and feelings.

Main Couple is Key: There is often a “main” relationship, and other connections are more casual.
Rules are Set: Couples usually make clear rules about sex with others (like what’s okay, how often, and if they’ll talk about it).
Feelings Just for One (Sometimes): Some open relationships keep deep feelings just for the main partner, while others are okay with deeper connections forming with others too.

3. Swinging

Swinging is usually when committed couples agree to swap partners with other couples for sex. It’s often more about having fun sexually than forming deep emotional bonds with the extra partners.

A Couple Thing: Swinging is something couples often do together.
Party Vibe: Swingers might go to special parties or events.
Love Stays with the Main Squeeze (Often): The main emotional connection is usually still between the original couple.

4. Monogamish

This term was made popular by relationship writer Dan Savage. “Monogamish” means a relationship is mostly one-on-one, but the couple agrees it’s okay to have a little bit of sexual fun with others now and then. These outside encounters usually have strict rules and aren’t meant to turn into serious relationships.

5. Relationship Anarchy (RA)

Relationship Anarchy is a way of thinking that says no to the usual relationship rules and expectations from society. RAs believe every relationship is special and should be decided by the people in it, without any set scripts.

No Ranking: Relationships aren’t ranked like “number one” or “number two.” Every connection is valued for what it is.
Make It Your Own: Each relationship is built on what the people in it want and agree on.
Being Your Own Boss: A big focus on personal freedom.
Want to know more about different relationship styles? Check out Psychology Today’s section on relationships.

6. Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity is when a group of three or more people are all in a serious, exclusive relationship with each other. They don’t have relationships with anyone outside the group. It’s kind of like a closed group marriage.

Knowing these differences is super helpful for ENM dating because it helps you be clear about what you want and find people who want similar things.

Why Choose ENM? Benefits of Ethical Non-Monogamy

People choose ENM for all sorts of reasons. Usually, it’s because they want more freedom, honesty, and a chance to grow in their relationships.

More Honesty and Talking: ENM really needs you to talk openly, which can make you feel closer and understand each other better.
Growing as a Person: Dealing with the ins and outs of multiple relationships can help you learn more about yourself, handle your feelings better, and get good at talking to people.
Getting Different Needs Met: Different partners can offer different kinds of emotional, smart, or sexual connections that one person might not be able to give all on their own.
More Love and Backup: Having more close connections can mean more love, care, and support in your life.
Freedom to Be You: ENM lets people set up their relationships in ways that feel right for them, instead of just following what society says.
Less Pressure on One Partner: The idea that one person has to be “everything” for you goes away, which can make relationships less stressful.
Exploring Who You Are: ENM can be a safe and agreed-upon way to explore different sides of your sexuality and what you want in relationships.

Tricky Parts of ENM Dating and Relationships

ENM has lots of good points, but it’s not always easy. Knowing about these challenges is important if you’re thinking about or already doing ENM.

Jealousy: This is probably the biggest one people talk about. Even when everyone agrees, jealousy can still pop up in ENM. Learning how to deal with it and talk about it is a big skill.
Not Enough Time: Juggling multiple relationships, work, hobbies, and your own time can be a lot.
Too Much Talking: Needing to talk clearly and often can sometimes feel like a lot of work.
People Judging You: ENM isn’t well understood or accepted by everyone, so you might get judged, treated unfairly, or not get support from family and friends.
Finding People Who Get It: There might be fewer people dating in the ENM world, and it takes work to find people who want the same things and have similar values.
Complicated Feelings: Handling the feelings of multiple partners, plus your own, takes a lot of emotional effort.
“Couple Power”: In some ENM setups where there’s a main couple, there’s a risk that the original couple’s needs get put first, which can hurt newer partners.
Sharing Resources: Besides time, figuring out how to share things like energy and money across different relationships can be tricky.

What Makes ENM Work: Talking, Agreeing, and Setting Limits

These three things are like the foundation for any good and ethical non-monogamous relationship.

1. Talking: The Heartbeat of ENM

Good communication in ENM isn’t just about saying words; it’s about really listening, trying to understand, and being willing to be open and real.

Regular Chats: Set aside time to talk about feelings, limits, and any problems with all your partners.
Be Open and Honest: Share what you’re going through, how you feel, and what’s happening in your other relationships, within the limits you’ve all agreed on.
Use “I Feel” Statements: Talk about your feelings and needs by saying things like, “I feel [sad/happy/worried] when [this happens] because [of this reason],” instead of blaming anyone.
Really Listen: Pay attention to what your partners are saying without cutting them off or thinking about what you’ll say next.
Learn to Solve Fights: Find healthy ways to work through disagreements.

2. Agreeing (Consent): It Should Be Enthusiastic and All the Time

In ENM, everyone needs to agree enthusiastically, without pressure, and it’s not just a one-time thing – you need to keep checking in.

Know What You’re Agreeing To: Everyone should be clear on what they are saying “yes” to.
You Can Change Your Mind: It’s okay to take back your agreement or change it at any time.
Be Specific: Saying yes to one thing or one person doesn’t mean you’re saying yes to everything or everyone.
Make Sure It’s a Real “Yes”: You want a clear “yes,” not just someone not saying “no.” Forcing or pressuring someone isn’t real agreement.

3. Setting Limits (Boundaries): Knowing Your Own Comfort Zone

Boundaries are the rules you set for yourself about how you interact with others and what you’re okay with in relationships. They’re about taking care of yourself and being respectful.

Your Personal Limits: What are you comfortable with? What are your no-goes for sex, feelings, time, or sharing info?
Relationship Rules: These are limits that partners talk about and agree on together. For example:
- How to have safer sex (like using condoms, getting tested for STIs).
- If new partners can come to a shared home.
- How much you’ll share about other partners.
- What to do if someone feels jealous.
Be Flexible and Check In: Limits and rules might need to change as relationships grow or things in life change.

If you want to get better at talking things through, The Gottman Institute has some great tips on relationships and communication.

How to Start ENM Dating

Finding people who are also into ENM dating can feel like a big task, but there are more and more ways to connect.

Where to Meet ENM Folks:

Special ENM Dating Apps & Websites: Places like Feeld, open, Bloom Community, and OkCupid (which lets you filter for non-monogamy) are made for the ENM crowd.
Regular Dating Apps (But Be Careful): Some people use apps like Tinder or Bumble but are very clear in their profiles that they’re ENM and what they are looking for. It can be a mixed experience.
ENM Groups and Events: Look for local ENM or polyamory meetups, discussion groups, or social events. You can find these on sites like Meetup.com or Facebook.
Workshops and Talks: ENM-focused learning events often have chances to meet people.
Through Friends: Sometimes you meet people through friends or partners who are already in the ENM community.

Tips for Your ENM Dating Profile:

Be Super Clear: Say that you are ethically non-monogamous and what kind of ENM you do or are interested in (like polyamory, open relationship, or if you are solo poly).
Honesty is Everything: Be upfront about if you have a partner already or if you are single, and what you’re hoping to find.
Talk About Your Limits Early: Mention any important rules or things you expect.
Be Positive: Focus on what you do want, not just what you don’t want.
Let Your Personality Shine: Just like any dating profile, be yourself!

First Dates and Early Chats in ENM Dating:

The “ENM Chat”: Don’t be afraid to talk about ENM pretty early on. Ask them about their experiences, what they think ENM means, and what they’re looking for.
Share Your “Why”: Tell them why you choose ENM. This can help them understand you better.
Talk About What You Expect: What kind of connection are you hoping for? Casual, romantic, sexual, long-term?
Start Talking Limits: Begin to discuss boundaries and how you’ll handle safer sex.
Listen Carefully: Pay attention to what they say and ask questions if you are not sure. ENM dating is just as much about finding someone whose ideas about relationships match yours as it is about chemistry.

Dealing with Jealousy in ENM Relationships

Jealousy is a normal feeling, and it can show up in ENM relationships, just like in monogamous ones. The important thing is how you notice it and handle it.

Don’t Pretend It’s Not There: Realize that feeling jealous doesn’t mean you are “bad” at ENM. It’s just a sign that something needs your attention.
Figure Out Why You are Jealous: Is it because you are feeling insecure, scared of losing someone, not getting what you need, or feeling like a connection you care about is threatened?
Talk to Your Partner(s): Share how you are feeling calmly. Try not to blame anyone.
Ways to Calm Yourself: Find things that help you deal with jealous feelings on your own (like writing in a journal, meditating, or talking to a therapist or a good friend).
Compersion (The Opposite of Jealousy): This is a word for feeling happy when your partner is happy with someone else. Not everyone feels it strongly, but it’s something many people in ENM try to work towards.
Look at Your Rules Again: Sometimes jealousy can mean a rule needs to be changed or something you agreed on isn’t working.
Get Support: Talk to other ENM people who might have gone through similar feelings.

“Coming Out” as ENM

Deciding if, when, and how to tell friends, family, or people at work about your ENM relationship style is a very personal choice.

Think About Your Safety: What could happen if you tell them? Could it affect your job, where you live, or your relationships with people you care about in a bad way?
Know Your Stuff: Be ready to explain what ENM is (and isn’t) and answer questions.
Pick the Right Time: Choose a time when you can talk calmly without being interrupted.
Start with People You Trust: You could try talking to people you think will be more understanding first.
Set Your Own Limits: You don’t have to explain everything to everyone or get into a big debate. It’s okay to say, “This is my choice, and I’m happy. I don’t need you to approve, but I hope you can respect it.”
Find Your People: Connecting with other ENM folks can make you feel understood and give you good advice.

Clearing Up Common Myths About ENM

People have a lot of wrong ideas about ENM. Let’s set a few things straight:

Myth: ENM is for people who can’t commit.

Fact: ENM often takes more commitment – commitment to talking, being honest, handling tricky feelings, and keeping up with multiple relationships.

2. Myth: ENM relationships aren’t as real or loving.

Fact: Love isn’t like a pie with only so many slices. People in ENM can and do have deep, loving, and real connections with more than one partner.

3. Myth: ENM is all about sex.

Fact: While exploring sex can be part of ENM for some, many ENM relationships, especially polyamorous ones, are more about emotional closeness and companionship.

4. Myth: People in ENM are always super jealous or insecure (or the opposite, they never get jealous).

Fact: ENM folks feel all the same human emotions as anyone else. They often get pretty good at handling jealousy.

5. Myth: ENM is just a phase or means a relationship is failing.

Fact: For many, ENM is a happy and stable way to have relationships for the long haul. While some couples might try ENM to deal with problems, it’s usually not a good idea to use it as a “fix” for a broken monogamous relationship without sorting out the main issues first.

6. Myth: ENM is bad for kids.

Fact: Studies, like those mentioned by the American Psychological Association, show that kids in polyamorous families do just as well as kids in monogamous families. What matters most for kids is good parenting, stability, and having what they need, not how many parents they have or their relationship style.

What’s Next for ENM Dating?

As people become more open to different kinds of relationships, ENM and ENM dating will probably become more common and accepted. The focus on everyone agreeing, talking openly, and being themselves really clicks with a lot of people dating today. Technology will keep helping the ENM community connect, and learning more about it will help clear up myths and help people understand it better.

ENM dating isn’t better or worse than monogamous dating; it’s just different. It gives people a way to build relationships that fit their own unique wants, values, and how much love and connection they can give and receive. It takes guts, knowing yourself, and a real dedication to being ethical.

If you are starting your ENM dating, remember to take care of yourself, talk, talk, talk, and always be honest and respectful. The world of ethical non-monogamy can be an amazing, rewarding, and deeply happy place.

Conclusion

Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is more than just dating multiple people—it’s about creating honest, respectful relationships where everyone knows and agrees to the arrangement. By focusing on open communication, consent, and personal growth, ENM offers a refreshing alternative to traditional relationship models.

Your ENM dating journey is about discovering what works best for you, embracing love without limits, and building connections that are genuine and meaningful. Remember, the most important things are being true to yourself, respecting your partners, and continuously learning and growing together.

I Tried ENM Dating — Here’s What No One Tells You!