Benching in Dating: What It Really Means and How to Deal With Feeling Sidelined

In today’s modern dating world, one of the most confusing and emotionally painful experiences is being sidelined, especially when you don’t know where you stand with someone. If you are left wondering why someone keeps texting but never makes real plans, or gives you just enough attention to keep you hoping, you might be experiencing something called benching in dating.

But what exactly is benching in dating, and what can you do if it happens to you? Let’s break it down.

Table of Contents

🧐 What is Benching in Dating?

Benching, also known as being benched in dating, is when someone keeps you around as an option, but not as a priority. It’s like they’re “keeping you on the bench,” just in case things don’t work out with someone else. You’re not in the game, but you’re not completely out either.

As Claudia de Llano, LMFT, explains:

“Benching means keeping a backup player on the sidelines, not letting them participate in the live action of one’s life, but letting them think they are a part of it because they get a better seat than those in the bleachers.”
Source: The Awakened Journey

According to a 2024 Match.com study, 37% of singles reported feeling like they were “kept on hold” by someone they were interested in — a clear sign of emotional benching.

💔 Benching Meaning in Relationships:

You are not ghosted, but you’re also not being valued.
It is confusing, inconsistent, and emotionally draining.
Unlike ghosting (where they disappear), or bread crumbing (where they lead you on with little effort), benching in dating keeps you in a state of romantic limbo.

According to a 2023 study by eHarmony, 35% of singles have been benched, often due to fear of commitment, indecision, or keeping options open.

Benching vs Ghosting vs Bread crumbing:

Here’s how it differs:

Term	Meaning
Ghosting	They completely disappear with no explanation.
Breadcrumbing	They lead you on with small doses of attention.
Benching	They keep you “around,” showing interest but never following through.

“Benching in dating is emotionally manipulative and leads to anxiety, confusion, and low self-worth.” — Dr. Marisa Franco, Psychologist

❓ Why Do People Bench Others?

There are several reasons why someone might bench a person in a relationship:

Fear of Commitment: They like you but aren’t ready to commit.
Keeping Options Open: They want to see other people but don’t want to lose you completely.
Avoiding Confrontation: They don’t want to hurt your feelings, but also don’t want to be honest.
Backup Plan – They want options in case something “better” comes along.
Ego Boost – Your attention makes them feel wanted.

Sometimes it’s intentional. Other times, it’s just emotional immaturity. Either way, benching in dating someone is manipulative and unfair.

Whether it’s due to fear or selfishness, benching is unfair — and it keeps you stuck in limbo.

🚩 Signs You Are Being Benched

If you are unsure whether you’re being benched, look out for these red flags:

Vague Plans: They say, “Let’s hang out soon,” but never set a date.
Mixed Signals: Hot and cold behavior — affectionate one day, distant the next.
Only Texts, Never Time: You have deep chats, but they never meet you in person.
You Feel Sidelined: Something just doesn’t feel right. You feel like a backup, not a partner.
They Avoid Defining the Relationship: They dodge commitment talks and clarity.
They are Active on Dating Apps – Still browsing while keeping you on hold.

If someone’s actions don’t match their words — believe their actions.

💣 The Emotional Toll of Being Benched

Being benched isn’t just frustrating — it can be emotionally damaging. According to a 2024 Psychology Today report:

63% of benched individuals reported increased anxiety.
58% experienced lowered self-esteem.
42% developed trust issues in future relationships.

It creates a cycle of self-doubt, making you question your worth, appearance, and whether you are “good enough.” But it’s not about you — it’s about their inconsistency.

✅ How to Handle Being Benched

If you think you are being sidelined or emotionally strung along, here’s what you can do:

1. Set Clear Boundaries

Tell them what you want. If they can’t give it, move on.

2. Communicate Directly

Ask direct questions like:
“Where do you see this going?” or
“I feel like I’m not a priority. Is that true?”

3. Detach and Protect Your Energy

Don’t let someone’s confusion drain your peace. You deserve consistency and respect.

4. Prioritize Yourself

Focus on self-care, hobbies, friends — things that fill your cup and remind you of your worth.

“The right person won’t leave you guessing.”

🤔 What to Do If You’ve Benched Someone

Sometimes, we are the ones guilty of benching someone, even unintentionally.

If that’s you:

Be Honest With Yourself: Are you using someone to fill a void?
Communicate Clearly: Let them know how you feel. Don’t lead them on.
Respect Their Feelings: They deserve closure and clarity, just like you would.

🔄 How to Avoid Being Benched in the Future

Here are some tips to protect your heart moving forward:

Watch for early red flags.

Value consistency over intensity.
Trust actions more than words.
Ask direct questions early.
Don’t settle for “almost” relationships.

Remember: you are not an option — you’re a whole person who deserves love, respect, and emotional safety.

Final Thoughts

Being benched in dating can leave you confused, drained, and questioning your worth. But it can also be a turning point — a reminder to raise your standards and protect your peace.

You deserve someone who:

✔ Chooses you with clarity
✔ Respects your time
✔ Shows up consistently
✔ Values real connection over convenience

So if you feel like you are sitting on the bench, it’s time to walk off the field and find someone who actually wants to play the game with you.

💖 You are not meant to be sidelined. You are meant to be loved fully, deeply, and without hesitation.